| Patch of Glory |
[Feb. 21st, 2007|02:53 am] |
Goodness, Epic! You need to patch Gears of War pronto because the online play is totally screwed up and sloppy. Sometimes I'll be engaged in a crazy gunfight with some guy, and then I die before he does. What the heck is up with that? I know he should have died first, I feel it in my gut. As far as I can tell, there are two possible solutions: remove all the guns in the game (This would work well, I think), or adopt this new control scheme I've concocted for you:
I can't believe Epic hasn't implemented this already.
See, this way, if I feel some dude should turn to giblets, I hit 'B' and he dies. On the flip side, if I feel he got the best of me, I hit 'Y' and my guy is rightly fragged. I wouldn't use that button at all because I am so freaking good at Gears. I wish the game would recognize my skills instead of showing favoritism to other players. If the game glitches and I somehow die, I would jam the 'X' button and the game would revert what had happened so I could fix it to play out as it should have. This setup is flawless and with it in place I wouldn't have to remind everyone how full of bullcrap the game is when it makes me die. That is the only explanation for why I ever die: the game is way busted. Those other guys who complain are probably lacking in skill, but when I die, I'm never at fault.
Only problem I foresee is I might wear out my 'B' button. That's a risk I'm willing to take for the greater good of proper online gaming. Epic, GET TO IT. |
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| How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Sony |
[Feb. 14th, 2007|12:33 am] |
A lot of people criticize Sony's decision to delay PLAYSTATION 3 in Europe until March. To entertain such views is absolutely HEARTLESS because the delay was done in the name of .
Let me explain. The most romantic man in the video gaming industry is none other than Phil Harrison. He fancied getting some triple hot action this Valentine's Day and what better way to score big time than to delay the third coming of gaming Nirvana? This way he won't be busy playing the MotorStorm demo and instead will spend his time knee deep in breasts.
Check it out, I got a copy of the card Phil gave his honey:
His font selection is perfect.
Any Europeans griping about the delay are cold hearted buttwipes.
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| Coming Never |
[Feb. 7th, 2007|01:04 am] |
In this update I detail why the former PS3 controller would have rocked your face over. TWICE. I mean, it would have rocked your face twice, not that I'm not going to repeat myself.
Never forget.
This is a freaking manly controller. Look at it, it's like it's flexing. Sure, the SIXAXIS is perfect in every sense (especially since Sony had the smarts to omit pesky rumble), but this design screams masculinity. No -- not screams, man shouts.
If you threw it in a bit of rage or accidentally let go, it would conveniently come back to you, thanks to its form. This is in stark contrast to Nintendo's hollow gesture of convenience by equipping Wii remotes with straps that snap when the slightest amount of force is applied. What a RIP. That pun was super intended.
Valuable source of potassium. I don't know, my sister told me this one. The potassium is absorbed through the skin from the surface of the controller. Couldn't find mention of this anywhere, I wonder what her source is.
It's shiny and grey, a proper representation of next generation visuals. Gets me mega pumped to shoot dudes in the face. Unlike the Xbox 360 controller, which reminds me of cake. A cake with smooth vanilla frosting topped with Skittles, as if it's some sort of tribute to girly baked goods... PASS.
And there you have it. The greatest controller that will never see the light of day thanks to propaganda spread by those who feared Sony would dominate TOO much with this ingenious design. |
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| As Awesome as It Gets |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|10:08 am] |
Today might be the best day of your life. I am back!! Let's get this party STARTED... AGAIN.
My apologies webnet surfers, absence due to me getting all diseased up from camping outside of Target for PLAYSTATION 3. So I was hospitalized for a bit, as complications arose. Some cheap Chinese food is also to blame. Totally bogus, I know. I spent my time at the hospital informing old folks about PS3. I feel good knowing that I was able to tell those geriatrics that if they weren't going to die soon, PS3 would change their lives.
Anyway, I managed to snag a PLAYSTATION 3 because Sony is doing a bang up job of satiating demand! There are PS3s on shelves all over the place. It's almost like there isn't a demand for them.
I'm so glad Sony packed in a Blu-ray version of Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby with the launch units. Nothing shows off a new high definition format like a comedy film.
The higher the definition, the bigger the laughs.
Don't compare Wii and PS3 sale numbers. Wii is currently selling to casual gamers rather than committed gamers. Wii is just an impulse purchase. PS3 is a nice steak, Wii is steak flavored gum; you buy it to see if it's really as gross as you think it is. So, really, PS3 and Wii shouldn't be considered in the same category.
You may of heard something about how "Sony's game unit posted a quarterly loss of $442 million." This is, of course, fantastic news. Incredible losses is how you win. It's a tactic even employed by the US of A, which currently has a very large deficit and also happens to be the biggest winner ever and always forever.
If I don't update in exactly one week, then just wait longer. |
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| PLAYSTATION 3: Judgment Day |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|02:29 pm] |
"Less than three months before the scheduled tri-continent launch of Sony's PlayStation 3 console, SCEA president Kaz Hirai has stated that retail shortages in each territory are inevitable. Speaking to Gamespot, Hirai discussed the company's preparations for the November launch, admitting that production lines have yet to begin full operation."
-EuroGamer Good move on Sony, as not everyone deserves a PLAYSTATION 3 on launch day. In order to assist Sony in weeding out those who are unworthy, I have created a short survey all potential PLAYSTATION 3 buyers should take. This will help shops prioritize customers.
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| PSP on a Plane |
[Aug. 18th, 2006|10:55 pm] |
The word "PlayStation" is spoken by Samuel L. Jackson. Yes!!
I saw Snakes on a Plane, a film deeply rooted in reality, and I made some observations. Kool Man Kenan is seen playing with a PSP. Some dorky kid who probably dies (I'm not sure if he dies or not because I was too busy sucking face with my mega-hot girlfriend) lets everybody in on his lameness by playing with a DS. This confirms that awesome dudes think PSP rules and children like DS and drool... s.
Some other things I learned from this film:
- British people are jerks.
- Rappers are obsessed with hygiene.
- Body guards are fat.
- Cher from Clueless changed her name to Mercedes.
- Stewardesses are hot stuff.
- If it's your last day on the job, prepare for a crapstorm.
- Pilots are sexist and never pass up an opportunity to demean woman.
- I should become a pilot.
I took away a lot from Snakes on a Plane and the PSP gets plenty of screen time, so I can't help but recommend you go see it. |
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| The Misguided Redemption |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|11:57 pm] |
Not delaying Xbox 360 in order to include HD DVD was a terrible mistake. Next-generation games will require 30 to 40 gigabytes and won't fit on a standard dual-layer DVD (which has a capacity of about 8.5 GB). This is why Sony says next-gen doesn't begin until PLAYSTATION 3 is released -- Xbox 360 games are technically last-gen because they are on DVD. Multiple disc games totally put people off and never sell well, so that's not a plausible solution either. Titles like Metal Gear Solid, Final Fantasy VII and Gran Turismo 2 were able to sell despite their multi-disc handicap merely because the platform they appeared on happened to be a Sony one.
And now, NOW, Microsoft thinks releasing this HD DVD drive will redeem themselves. Look, two wrongs usually make a right, but Microsoft fouled up big time twice, and two SUPER wrongs don't make a right. Maybe a paltry right, but not a full-blown right. No way, man.
This will only be a success if Microsoft publishes games that require the add-on.
I will admit, however, I wish all my electronic devices had bits dangling off them. It's good feng shui, I hear. |
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| Girl's Gone Wild |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|11:52 pm] |
Time to start a traitor listing.
"So ultimately, I can't justify it. $600 is a lot of money, especially when I can get what--for me at least--will be a very similar experience for $400. I would like to own a PS3, and I hope that the price drops soon so I can consider it. But until then, this Official PlayStation Magazine editor will have to join the dark side."
-Dana Jongewaard What the fartin' crap, man. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, woman always do irrational things. Someone get this girlie a DS and back into the kitchen. She probably has cash up the wazoo and her blog post is just a ploy to get a free PS3 from Sony. But Sony will see right through her guise, that she is being completely unrealistic.
But if a Sony rep wants to send a PS3 my way that would be swell. |
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| The Handheld of Fate |
[Aug. 11th, 2006|04:25 pm] |
"There's no doubt that EA has historically bet more on PSP. I think we were excited by the technology, but the consumers have proven that actually what they want is fun. We must never forget that what we need to focus on is fun and so EA is putting more effort behind DS games – and creative ones that really take advantage of the hardware.”
-David Gardner, Monocle Fan, EA executive VP and COO of worldwide studios Sounds like someones Fun Quantifier is BROKEN. Sony has always set FUN at number ONE. Sure, they count down to number one, but it's still there.
Video games must be hidden behind more legitimate electronic devices because they are not worthwhile. Added features are necessary as video games are inherently uncool and nobody cares about fun. With all this in mind, PSP totally delivers. Just as the PS3 will.
A disgusting display of having fun.
The fun agenda of Nintendo is subverting the video game industry and now EA supports their half-baked ideas. EA has provided a wealth of creative titles throughout the years so it's disheartening to see them descend into MADNESS. Oh well, nuts to those traitors. |
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| Kutaragi Forever |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|03:13 pm] |
You know what I like? When entries start off with rhetorical questions. I am also a fond of the greatest superhero on the face of the planet (and probably the universe's face), Ken Kutaragi. As a salute to the legend, I have made a piece of fan art.
If a small(ish) cuboid electrical appliance needs lifted in front of a grin, he'll be there!!
I took a cue from Sony and copied from other pictures.
Here is a snippet of a conversation I had:
Personification of Awesome: Hey dude, check it out!!
Loser McFartface: WTF
Personification of Awesome: I think you mean FTW.
Loser McFartface: You have problems.
Personification of Awesome: I know! Halloween is coming up and I still don't have a complete Kutaragi costume.
Loser McFartface: WTF
Personification of Awesome: FTW! |
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